Thinking That This is the End Can Be the Beginning
by Female-Fighter
Summary: He couldn't tear his eyes from the impresssion on the bed where the others body still held. How could it already be over when it hadn't even started yet?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

**Disclaimer-**I own nothing!  
A/N note- please be advised that this story has drug and alcohol use, swearing, and sex…yea so don't be stupid and read this if you are under age. Thanks :)

Tamaki sat at his desk before the start of home room; he was hunched over writing down a list. He turned around to face Kyouya for a moment.  
"Kyouya, I almost have everything planned for our trip after graduation."  
"Are you sure you still want to go?"  
"Of course! I want to back pack across Europe, it sounds like so much fun. You still want to go with me right?"  
Whether he wanted to go or not Tamaki had been bugging him to go this summer for months now. This was going to be their graduation gift to each other. It wasn't all that bad; backpacking across Europe was something he thought about doing eventually.

"Yes, I still want to go with you."  
Tamaki turned back around in his seat before turning back to Kyouya.  
"Can you believe we graduate tomorrow? This is the last day of high school for us, of being in the host club."  
"I know."  
"It makes me a little sad to think about it. I mean our family was already broken apart when Mori and Mitsukuni graduated but we pulled through."  
"Tamaki you knew this day was coming."  
"I know, I guess my mind kept trying to forget."  
Kyouya wasn't about to tell Tamaki but he was saddened by the thought of leaving the host club as well. There were so many memories inside of music room three, lots of great times as well.  
"Do you think we will stay close to everyone?"  
"I don't know Tamaki, but if you want it to happen then I believe it will."  
Tamaki turned back to the front of the class room. Hearing Kyouya's words he could stop thinking about tomorrow as a sad day.

The next day went by all too quickly. Before they realized it they had graduated from Ouran Academy. They would never have to go back there again.  
"Kyouya, I know we will be hanging out all summer but do you think we could hang out tonight?"  
"I'm not doing anything so if you really want to."  
"Okay, you can come over my place at five since I know your dad can be strict about people sleeping over."  
Before Kyouya could complain about having to go over to his place Tamaki looked down at his phone and cut him off "I have to go before I'm late, I forgot I have to be somewhere. See you at five!"  
Tamaki ran off towards his waiting car, leaving Kyouya standing alone and confused.

Kyouya was getting ready to head over to Tamaki's when his phone when off.  
"Hey Kyouya, I know I said for you to come here but do you think I could go there?"  
"Is everything okay Tamaki? We can always cancel if you have too." He could tell something was wrong; Tamaki's voice was breaking a part. Was he crying?  
"No, I don't want to cancel, I can be there soon if that's okay."  
"If you want to come, I'm here."  
"Okay, see you soon."  
Before Kyouya could ask what was going on the line was cut off.

When Tamaki showed up there was no sign of him being upset. Could there have been a problem with his phone, perhaps static?  
"Sorry to have to change plans all of a sudden. I hope your dad isn't upset with me."  
"My dad is out of town for the next two weeks so don't worry about it. Tamaki is everything okay? You sounded upset over the phone?"  
"Did I? Everything is fine. My house is undergoing some work so staying there is a pain that's all."  
Maybe he had been overreacting before. Maybe whatever work was being done was what he heard.  
"I can't wait for our trip Kyouya; it's going to be great!" With the hyper, normal tone Tamaki's voice carried it was easy for Kyouya to forget about what happened over the phone earlier.

This was the first time they were alone per say. Neither had slept over the others house before this. Kyouya decided that he was going to use tonight to tell Tamaki how he felt, why wait for the trip next week?

Tamaki sat on the floor as they played cards, the moment was perfect. They were joking around anyway so the air was light.  
"Tamaki, I…" He stopped as Tamaki went into a coughing fit suddenly. Kyouya reached over to make sure he was okay when Tamaki turned away. Once he stopped he turned back to Kyouya.  
"Sorry if I worried you. I started to gag on my spit, as gross as that sounds. I think the construction at home gets to me even when I'm not there."  
"Are you okay though?"  
"I am now, were you about to say something?"  
"Never mind, it wasn't important."  
"Oh okay, well it's your turn."

As the night went on Kyouya could tell something was on Tamaki's mind. He knew what he personally wanted to say since he chickened out earlier but he wasn't sure about what Tamaki was thinking. Only Tamaki knew what was on Tamaki's mind.  
"Kyouya, I want to talk to you about something."  
"Tamaki, I want to talk to you about something."  
Both stopped and stared at each other, realizing they said exactly the same thing.  
"You first Tamaki."  
He shifted his body knowing things could get awkward.  
"Well it's just that, I think I love you."  
Kyouya tried to make sure he didn't have a dumb look on his face over the excitement he was feeling.  
"Is that okay? I bet I just ruined our friendship."  
"Don't go making assumptions, why would our friendship be ruined when I lo…" Before he could say I love you back Tamaki had lunged over the table and hugged him.  
"Really, you're not upset by it at all? That makes me so happy."  
Kyouya noticed Tamaki had tears in his eyes, only he would start to cry over this. Sure he was happy that their feelings were mutual but he wasn't about to cry over it.

"Kyouya can…can I kiss you, or is that too much?"  
Without saying a word or a second thought Kyouya pulled Tamaki close so their lips could touch. Tamaki fixed and lowered his hands down Kyouya's back. Not letting Tamaki take control that easily he slid Tamaki to have him sit on his lap better. Unlocking their lips he moved down to Tamaki's neck. He could feel the moan inside the other's throat. Kyouya let up a little, worried he would upset the other. He knew where this was leading and he personally wasn't going to end it. But, he didn't want to force Tamaki if he wasn't ready. As he pulled away Tamaki pulled him back to him. That was all he needed to continue. Both knew it felt a little strange to be making out on Kyouya's floor but neither were about to stop and move.

Tamaki made the first move, trying to control his hands with Kyouya kissing his neck, and moving down. Kyouya let go of Tamaki to take his own shirt off the rest of the way once Tamaki got it unbuttoned. Tamaki used this moment to get his off since he was no longer pinned to the floor. Tamaki knew things were moving faster than he would have liked but everything felt so right. This moment was all they had so they had to make it perfect.

When Kyouya opened his eyes he expected to see Tamaki next to him. He pushed himself up sit up on the floor. They had stayed there all night, no wonder he was sore. Tamaki laid across the room by the TV. His head was under the coffee table. How did he end up like that? If anyone walked in they would swear that they had been drinking last night. Speaking of which he would probably get up, with the sun now up and lighting up the room he didn't like the fact that he had absolutely nothing on.

Reaching towards the couch he looked for pants or something he could put on. As he finished buttoning them up he heard a loud thud and Tamaki's voice.  
"Ow, I did not need that." He repositioned himself and slid out from under the table.  
"How did I get under there anyway?" As he sat up he noticed the same thing Kyouya did when he woke up. Kyouya tossed him the other pair of pants calming Tamaki down a little.  
"I was about to ask you the same thing." Tamaki checked to make sure he didn't cut his head again and quickly slipped on the pants.  
"I guess I rolled under there last night while I slept." It was strange how he couldn't remember anything after the sex, and even that was a little hazy. He wondered if Kyouya remembered any more. What he did remember was all good things though, that was a good sign. If he died right now he would die happy. He got to experience falling in love for the first time, his first kiss, his first time making out, and having sex for the first time all last night. All the firsts were covered more or less.

"Tamaki, are you okay?" He looked at Kyouya and realized he probably looked really stupid standing there staring into space.  
"I'm fine. I was just thinking about something."  
"Oh and what was that?"  
"I was just thinking about how I didn't want last night to end."  
He walked over to Kyouya and kissed him, hopefully this wouldn't back fire. When Kyouya happily kissed him back Tamaki pushed him over the arm of the couch. Now he was in control, leaning over Kyouya could feel Tamaki's body on top of him. Kyouya pulled Tamaki closer, while he didn't want to stop something didn't feel right, why did he feel sad all of a sudden? Was Tamaki saddened by something? And if so, then what could it be? As quickly as the feeling came it went. Round two had started.

They didn't walk out of his bedroom until a little after one. None of the people on staff were surprised by that. They all knew Kyouya liked to sleep in when he could. When they did decide to get ready for the day Tamaki couldn't stop the tears that were pouring from his eyes. He was glad that the water from the shower was drowning him out. He didn't want Kyouya to over hear him. By the time they walked out to eat he was back to his normal self. Now he just had to make sure he didn't start up again.

"Kyouya, I was wondering something."  
"And what was that?"  
"Could I stay another night, if it isn't too much trouble, that is?"  
"If you want too I don't see why not. But Tamaki, are you okay? I can't stop thinking that something is wrong."  
"Everything is fine Kyouya, maybe your just overreacting because you slept poorly last night. I know I'm tired and don't feel like doing much."  
He looked at Tamaki closely, he did look tired, and perhaps it was from sleeping on the floor all night that he was over analyzing. Tamaki stuck a forkful of food in his mouth and started gagging. Yea, Tamaki was fine.

After lunch they went outside to enjoy the nice weather. It felt strange to be doing nothing; Tamaki wasn't one to enjoy sitting still.  
"Our plane tickets are in my bag at home so that's all taken care of."  
"Well that's good. What time is the flight?"  
"It's this coming Monday at nine in the morning. I was hoping to get one for later in the day but then learned that it's a long flight so I figured the earlier the better."  
"Nine is fine, so in three days we'll be where exactly in Europe?"  
"If I say that I think London will you be mad?"  
"How do you not know? You're the one planning this trip and you forgot?" He wasn't really mad, or even surprised.  
"Sorry our starting location slipped my mind. Let's walk to the park. There is one nearby right?"  
He stood up and forced Kyouya up with him. "Come on, don't make me drag you, you know I will."  
"I'm coming, relax Tamaki."

It took them about twenty minutes to get to the park. When they did Kyouya couldn't stop himself from laughing as Tamaki hung upside down off the monkey bars.  
"If you hurt yourself I'm going to laugh at you."  
Tamaki just stuck his tongue out at him as he hung there.  
"You should join me, this is fun."  
"You are such a child."  
"I know isn't it great! Children are always having fun so if I never grow up then I get to have fun all the time as well. I know that if I had a child I would do this whenever we came here to play as well."  
"I'm not doubting that Tamaki."  
Kyouya had turned around to miss Tamaki wince as a sharp pain shot through him, being taken off guard he let go of the bars. Kyouya turned around when he heard Tamaki hit the ground. He noticed that Tamaki seemed to be out of breath, he looked like he was in pain.  
"Are you okay Tamaki." He knelt down next to him being now completely worried; he didn't look well at all.  
"I'm fine, the…bar knocked…the wind out of me…trying to get…down…I slipped…landed my chest on the…bar and flipped…over onto the ground. Just…give me…a moment…to…catch my breath."  
Kyouya couldn't get over how pale his face looked, "Are you sure? Why don't we get you looked at really quickly?"  
"No! I'm fine I promise." Kyouya was taken by surprise by Tamaki's reaction. Tamaki stood up and brushed himself off.  
"See I'm fine; we don't have to go anywhere. And I'm catching your lie; you said you would laugh when I got hurt." Tamaki was smiling at him, joking about what Kyouya said.  
"It wasn't funny; I didn't really want to see you get hurt. And if you insist on not getting looked at then I'll forget about it."  
"I do, come on." Tamaki grabbed Kyouya's hand as he ran past him. He wanted to find something else they could do together.

By the time they got back to Kyouya's house the moon was already high in the sky shinning down.  
"It's beautiful tonight don't you think Kyouya. I mean looking at all the stars above us and the moon helping to light the way. It seems almost magical."  
"I don't know if it's magical but star gazing has always been fun for me. They seem to hold stories with their light. I know it sounds childish but that's what I've always believed that each star held a story and that's why there were so many, even after I learned how stars were made."  
"I don't think it's childish I think it's nice." Tamaki laid back on the back deck and stared up, "I wish I could become a star, so I could look down on all those I love and help guide their way when their lost." He pointed up in the sky between a cluster of stars where there was a dark gap, "That's where I want to be, where there is no star, right there in the middle."  
Kyouya didn't say anything back; he just stared up at the night sky. This moment was perfect, the day had been perfect. Now that they both knew how the other felt he knew there would be many moments like this coming.

That night Kyouya laid on his bed and just stared up at the ceiling. Tamaki was sleeping on the pullout sofa in the lower part of his room. He wondered if he was asleep yet or not.  
"Kyouya?" He looked over to see Tamaki near the far side of his bed.  
"Are you asleep yet?"  
He sat up and looked at Tamaki. "Do you need something Tamaki?"  
"No, not really I was just wondering if we could you know, cuddle or something. I know it sounds stupid but for some reason I can't get comfortable. I feel like I don't want to be alone, it's partially why I asked to sleep over again." Kyouya wasn't going to force Tamaki to leave earlier though it was nice to finally know why Tamaki sounded like he was ready to beg to stay.  
"Come here Tamaki." He pulled the covers back to invite Tamaki in. He climbed under and moved close to Kyouya who then wrapped his arms around him to pull him closer.  
"Is this what you wanted?"  
"This is perfect, thank you." Tamaki nestled his head against Kyouya's chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart. The sound was calming; soon he had trouble keeping his eyes open.

"Kyouya, I love you." He yawned and snuggled closer. "Never forget, promise me you won't forget."  
"I promise, I won't forget."  
"Good. Yesterday already made this the best summer ever, though I can't wait to travel with you."  
Kyouya watched Tamaki's eyes fight to stay up a little longer only to fail.

"I love you too, Tamaki." Tamaki was already fast asleep; it seemed once again Tamaki didn't hear the words that Kyouya had been trying to get out. Soon Kyouya fell asleep as well. With Tamaki in his arms he was comfortable. This felt right as if Tamaki was made to fit in his arms.

The sun hit Kyouya's eyes; he rolled over in an attempt to block it out. Failing he opened his eyes to see Tamaki still in his arms. He was smiling and curled up as he slept. He gently pushed Tamaki to the other half of the bed so he could get up. As he put his glasses on he heard something going off, a phone vibrating. He looked as his and saw it wasn't even turned on; he looked around for Tamaki's and saw it on the table on the first floor. By the time he got to it the phone went dark but he saw that the caller was Yuzuru, Tamaki should call him back. He probably didn't know that Tamaki spent the night. He walked back up the stairs to wake him so he could call Yuzuru back

"Tamaki, I hate to wake you but your dad called." He looked at the phone as it went off again, Yuzuru must be getting worried. "I think it's urgent, he is calling again."  
As he didn't even get any sound from him, he could feel something wash over him. Sitting on the bed he pulled Tamaki to him, he noticed he wasn't breathing Kyouya's hand couldn't stop shaking as he tried to find a pulse.  
"Tamaki!" He tried to call for help with Tamaki's phone only to have it slip from his hands due to them shaking so badly. As the phone fell so did the wall of his emotions. He grabbed Tamaki tighter and held on to him afraid to let go. This couldn't be happening, not now. Not when they had just started. He screamed Tamaki's name as every wall broke down inside of him, he brought their faces together and cried, his tears covered the others face.

"TAMAKI!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

This was extremely hard to do; I can't even begin to explain it to you. I wasn't even near the end and I was crying already in both writing and typing. This story only happened because while writing Living Our Life I got this horrible thought, After the big fight Tamaki and Kyouya had I thought it would horrible but a twist if I killed Tamaki suddenly. I couldn't do, the thought was too much and that really isn't me but my mind kept expanding the idea and eventually this story was born. I know you hate me, I hate me too.  
~Femalefighter~


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Disclaimer****-**I own nothing!

A/N note- please be advised that this story has drug and alcohol use, swearing, and sex…yea so don't be stupid and read this if you are under age. Thanks :)

Kyouya stood with everyone for the funeral. This had been the first time he left his room since that morning. He couldn't believe it, this didn't seem real. He should be on a plane with Tamaki right now, not watching him being buried. He couldn't even look at Yuzuru, how could he when Yuzuru probably hated him. That was one of the reasons he didn't go to the wake, how could he go to Yuzuru's house to see all of Tamaki's family and friends. The official statement was that Tamaki died in the hospital after suffering health complications in the night while at home. Kyouya wondered who's doing that was, Yoshio or Yuzuru's. He knew Yuzuru knew the truth, of where Tamaki really was the night he died.

Tachibana had forced him to get dressed and forced him to be here now. He had been laying face down on his couch this morning when he was pulled off to get dressed. Tachibana had said something about he would regret not going later in life, or something along those lines. He hadn't been paying much attention to him or to the ones around him. He knew the others were talking to him earlier but he didn't remember anything they said. Now his eyes were glued to the casket as it lay in front of him. As he stared question after question swirled around in his mind yet he had no drive to answer them. None of the answers would bring Tamaki back to him. Why couldn't he just die too? His life was over without Tamaki, he couldn't just go back to how he was before he ever met him. Tamaki's presence in his life had forever changed him. If he died then they could be together again. It would be like this never happened and they could do all they planned to do.

His body started to shake as tears over ran his eyes. He knew he was crying yet he couldn't feel the tears. His body was numb; it had been since that day. He didn't feel his knees give as he hit the ground. Why did Tamaki have to die? Why didn't Tamaki tell him that something was wrong? Had he tried to but he just not hear him? Had he been sick, if he had then why not tell him?

Kyouya didn't remember being taken to his car once everyone started leaving. He didn't remember going home and being taken to his room. He did remember standing by the bed; he looked where the impression of the other's body still held. How could it already be over when it hadn't even started? Sinking back on his knees he cried at the foot of the bed, something that felt so common. It felt that all he did was cry anymore. He wouldn't move from this spot for hours, wouldn't eat or drink anything but he could still cry.

Haruhi sat in the twins' house; none of them could believe that Tamaki was gone they had stayed together as much as possible since they heard the news. She couldn't stop worrying about Kyouya as well. He wouldn't pick up his phone and when she called his house whomever answered said he hadn't left his room since he got back from the funeral, which had already been two days ago.  
"I'm getting really worried for Kyouya-senpai, senpai's death seems to be hitting him a lot harder than it is for us."  
Hikaru looked over at her, everyone had been hit pretty hard by the news but seeing Kyouya at the funeral made him realize how much harder he was affected.  
"Weren't they supposed to be going away this summer?" Both looked at Kaoru who hadn't said a word since they picked her up this morning.  
"Yea, senpai hadn't stopped talking about it since he convinced Kyouya-senpai to go with him. They were supposed to leave Monday…which was the day of senpai's funeral."  
The three stopped talking, realizing what Haruhi just said. That answered one thing. She stood up and headed for the door. She wanted answers, deep down she felt like she was missing something, something big. If she could figure out what happened exactly then maybe she could help Kyouya. She had already said good-bye to one person she cared deeply for; she didn't want to have to say it again to someone else. When they offered to go with her she declined it. Once she was off their grounds Kaoru grabbed Hikaru's hand.  
"Sorry Hikaru, it looks like her heart is still in love with someone else."  
Hikaru just walked back in the house without saying a word.

Kyouya wasn't sure how long he had been sitting on the floor at the edge of the bed, or how long he had been crying. He heard a carefully placed knock at his door and someone mumble something. It was probably another maid bringing him food. Slowly he tried to stand up his legs were stiff from not moving, his whole body felt weak from hardly eating anything. Why couldn't he just die already? Looking over the ledge he saw Haruhi sitting on the couch below him. What did she want? Trying the best he could he tried to pull himself together and talk to her.  
"Haruhi, what brings you here today?"  
She watched him take the stairs with such caution. He looked frail, his face seemed damp. Seeing him like this only made her worry more about him. He seemed to be wasting away.  
"Kyouya-senpai, I'm really worried about you. Are you trying to die too?"  
Stopping at the bottom of the stairs he just stared at her. She did look generally concerned for him. But, she also was one to pick up on everything. He did want to die, not that he would tell her that, she would try to stop him.  
"No, I'm not trying to die, what a stupid notion. I've been sick for the last few days."  
Was he really trying to lie to her? It was so obvious that he wasn't sick or hadn't been.

"You should talk to Yuzuru, I was going over to head over there once I checked on you and I wanted to know if you wanted to join me."  
"Go alone." He turned his back to her; he didn't want to deal with her. He especially didn't want to see Yuzuru, deep down he felt like Tamaki's death had been his entire fault. Tamaki spent two days straight with him, his last two days with him no less; so how could he face Yuzuru and hear the words, 'why didn't you save my son?'  
"Kyouya-senpai, please don't do this. Please talk to him."  
When he didn't turn around to face her again or say anything back she couldn't stop the question that had been bugging her since she got here from escaping her lips.  
"What happened exactly between you to anyway? I can tell your hiding something."  
"Just get out!"  
The hole in his heart ripped back open, though it never really closed. The pain, the tears, they were all coming back. Haruhi walked towards him, something happened between them before this happened. She couldn't tell if it was a fight or something else though.  
"Kyouya…" She grabbed his arm, just to let him know she was here for him. He shuddered away from her touch.  
"Just go away! Get Out!" He spun around and was just a brush away from hitting her.  
"If you don't go away I won't be sorry if I hurt you!"  
She stepped away carefully to give him space.  
"I don't know what happened but you have my number so use it when you're ready to talk!" With that she quickly grabbed her bag and left the room.

She stood outside of the door to catch her breath. Kyouya scared her, in so many ways. No matter what though she would get through to him, she had too. She cared about him and couldn't lose him, not when she had the chance to help him.  
He sank to the floor to ball up again. Why couldn't he just die? Why couldn't he be with the one he loved even if it was just to tell him that he loved him? How much longer would this pain in his heart continue? He could feel the hole Tamaki left behind and knew it would never go away until they were together again.

Getting tired of looking at his room which now held painful memories and getting tired of annoying staff he grabbed his coat and wallet. Standing in the garage he stared at all the cars he could use. He hardly drove before but he had no desire to be driven anywhere, not to mention he didn't know where he was even going. Grabbing the keys to his father personal vehicle he slid in the driver's seat. Yoshio was still away on business so he wouldn't miss it, not to mention the fact that he hardly ever used it when he was home.

Driving further into town he went where he was always told not to go. That being caught here would bring a bad reputation and a quick death. It was perfect. He parked in the lot and locked the car up; he was in no mood to be stranded. Walking in he quickly sat at the bar, not one to really drink before this he had the bartender bring him whatever his strongest drink was. Within the first hour he had refilled it six times and he was barely feeling a buzz.

"Hey there, you're pretty cute. Don't think I've seen you here before."  
Kyouya looked at the woman next to him. Her soft brown eyes were still trying to flirt with him. Her blonde hair was pinned up yet her bangs were hanging next to the sides of her face. With another look he checked her out further. Skinny waist yet carried a full chest on her, long arms and legs that were being nicely shown off by the extremely low cut and short clothing she had on.  
"The names Cayla, I take it you're not from around here." She opened a pack of cigarettes and offered him one. With an internal shrug of his shoulders he decided why not.  
"The name is Kyouya and your right I'm not from this side of town." Lighting it up he surprised himself by not gagging as the nicotine started to fill his system. Cayla wouldn't seem to go away, he didn't push her away though as he bought him another drink. He 'listened' to her though he really had no idea what she was talking about.s

After a few more drinks and a few more killed hours she convinced him to leave with her. With the alcohol finally settling in he did. The pain he usually felt wasn't as strong as it had been, his guess was the drinks ability to mess with sensations had numbed the aching in his heart.  
"Name the best hotel around and we'll go."  
"Oh such a gentlemen," She played with his shirt as they left.

Haruhi stared at her moms' photo. She didn't know what to do. Yuzuru refused to talk; Kyouya refused to pick up his phone and now had so many rumors swirling around him she didn't know what to believe. It had already been a month since Tamaki passed away and nothing changed. She still felt as if both men were hiding something, something important.  
"Haruhi, are you okay sweetie? She looked up to see her dad standing in the doorway. He was starting to worry about her. She always seemed to be staring into space when she was home and visiting her mother when she wasn't.

"I'm really worried about Kyouya, dad. He won't talk to me and I keep hearing nasty rumors." He sat down next to her, "It was clear that he was close to Tamaki, I bet his passing affected in so many ways, ways we will never be able to understand. Keep trying to reach him, I'm sure he'll hear you when he is ready."  
"You don't get it dad, he won't let any of us near him, but I hear he goes out every night and drinks, and that he sleeps with random woman. The other day I was told that he could have been kicked out of his house. Dad, I can't lose him too, I just can't."  
He pulled his daughter close as she started to cry. He couldn't figure out why Yuzuru wasn't talking to her about it but this had to stop. It was clear that he knew something, something that could help Kyouya. When he last saw Yuzuru he didn't seem mad at Kyouya, he seemed sorry. He could tell though that neither could look at each other. What happened to cause that?  
"Haruhi, come with me, let's get some answers together, you know I have always liked Kyouya and I hate to think that what you tell me is true."  
"Thanks dad."

The two stood outside of Yuzuru's house. Haruhi always stared at the layout and design when Tamaki showed her a picture of it before, so elegant yet simple. She was surprised to learn that Yuzuru decided to leave the main estate and move into his one. She figured he decided to do that after Tamaki's passing. Tamaki told her about the two houses a few times if she remembered correctly; he had never seen the main estate since he wasn't allowed to go over there unless he was invited. She snapped out of her daydream when they had been invited in.  
"Ah Mr. Fujioka, what a pleasant surprise, and Haruhi is here as well. What could I do for you both?" Yuzuru met them in the living room.  
"We were wondering how you were doing? Haruhi was concerned for you. I know losing your child isn't exactly the same as losing a wife but I thought we would stop by to see how you were doing. I do hope that we aren't interrupting anything though by stopping by so suddenly."  
"That's very kind, thank you. I'm doing okay; it's been rough at times, though I did have time to prepare for this."  
Haruhi perked her head up, he had time to prepare? Had he known that Tamaki was going to pass away at such a young age? If he did then did Tamaki? So many questions started to pop up, all new questions with no new answers.

Kyouya sat by his window staring outside. He brought another cigarette to his lips to light it. The full ash tray sat beside him, he couldn't remember if this started his third or fourth pack for the day. He hadn't planned to smoke as much but between that and whatever he had at the bars they seemed to numb the pain he still felt in his heart. He knew all about the rumors flying around him, and all but one were true as of right now. He hit every bar and club he could find on the other side of town and he slept with a couple of woman each night. He thought he would be dead by now but that wish wouldn't come true for he still opened his eyes every morning. With that he would repeat his schedule from the previous night. Soon he knew his father would kick him out, he had maxed out at least five credit cards by now, Fuyumi promised to pay those bills for him, though she did complain about his recklessness. The only reason he hadn't been kicked out yet was because his father had gone from business trip to business trip so he may not even know that he was doing every day. Yet he knew that wouldn't last forever.

He rested his head against the window as he sucked harder on the cigarette.  
"Tamaki…why did you have to die before I got the chance to tell you what I had to say?"  
Kyouya knew he was crying, his vision was becoming blurry. Though he could only half see, he watched as he made quick work if that one. Rubbing the bud into the tray he shut his eyes to try and block out the pain that never went away. He had already accepted the fact that it probably never would until he was dead or forgiven and he had a feeling he would never be forgiven. Why was death being suck a bitch to him? It seemed to have no problem taking Tamaki so soon. He was still so young so age didn't affect it, so then why the hell wouldn't death claim him already?

Moving off the window he grabbed his car keys and headed out. Maybe he would try some place new. He had yet to go to a strip club; that could be an experience. His lips curved upward slightly as he pulled out of the garage, in his attempt to end his life he had experience more than he ever had before. How ironic, Tamaki would probably laugh at that realization.  
"…Tamaki." Before his mind could wander he slammed on the gas pedal to tear off into town.

Haruhi walked out of Yuzuru's house behind her father. She had to talk to Kyouya as soon as possible. He had to know all of this, maybe once he knew the truth he could stop all that he was doing. As they headed to catch a bus back home she tried to call his cell. He never picked up before but maybe today would be different.

Kyouya looked down at the passenger seat, his phone was going off. Haruhi again, it could go to voicemail. Eventually she would get the hint that he didn't want to talk to her. Every day since the day she stopped by she called at least once. How hard was it to really just forget about him? He didn't want her advice or touch. She would never understand what he was going through. None of them would, they had nothing to regret. They hadn't been the one with Tamaki on his last day; they hadn't held him the night he passed away. He pushed the engine harder, the sooner he had a drink in his hand the better. Trying not to slow down he fumbled to light another cigarette, he would have to get a few more packs later.

The lights and pounding music for the woman on stage helped to clear his mind. Without wasting a moment he headed to the bar. He found about gin and tonics and that was now his standard drink. Pulling away from the bar now with a drink in his hand he headed to the herd of men that were gathered by the stage. For some reason he started to question why he came here. Staying towards the back of the crowd he watched and for the first time in weeks he was starting to feel sorry he came here.

"Kyouya? Hey it is you!"  
He turned quickly around at the sound of his name. Who would recognize him in place he wasn't really allowed to be in, not to mention that he had never stepped foot inside before tonight. A tall blonde walked next to him, his guess was that she worked here. Her name escaped him, he had been with so many women lately it was hard to keep up with their names.  
"What brings you to a place like this? Don't answer that, it doesn't really matter either way. Here let's go somewhere a little less crowded." She grabbed his hand to have him follow. Kyouya heard a few of the guys around him say "lucky bastard" as they walked to the back of the room. Someone else on staff called the woman's name. Cayla, so that was it, she was the first woman he slept with. She gently placed him in the chair. He watched as she moved in front of him, had he been able to feel anything he figured he would be attracted to or at least turned on by this.  
"I get off soon, we should go somewhere." She moved across him to lean over and whisper in his ear. He couldn't find his voice to answer, all he could do was nod.  
"Let's get you to relax then, you seem so tense. I'm _very _good at getting people to relax." Her voice was soft yet held so much seduction, the same thing that made him leave with her at the bar the last time they were together.

He stood outside the door of the strip club waiting for her to come out. He didn't mind the wait for he had time to light one up. Each drag was slow; he savored the poison hitting his system. Not being allowed to smoke inside drove him mad, to go almost two hours without one was too long.  
"Can I bum one off you, I'm all out." Cayla came around from the side of the building, he handed her one as they headed to his car.

One thing he always did was go to nice hotels. They were still in his reach so he would make sure he took advantage of it.  
"Look at the place only the super rich could enjoy this beauty. Hey Kyouya, what's your last name again?"  
"Does it really matter?"  
"Well no I guess not, mines Richardson if you're wondering." She looked at his face while he signed an agreement to pay for any damage. He looked stressed out, almost as if he had been beaten up by someone though he held no bruises.  
"Come on, the room's this way." She snapped out of her thoughts to follow him.  
"Enjoy your stay Mr. Ootori."  
He said nothing back, didn't even nod in acknowledgement, he just grabbed Cayla's arm so they could get to the room faster.  
"Don't be mad that I know your full name, I'm not about to go telling people what you do."

Kyouya sat on the bed with a bottle of bourbon in his hand while he waited for Cayla to 'freshen up'. One reason he loved nice hotels, a well stocked mini-fridge. Only upscale drinks or good things to use for mixers. He looked over at the bathroom door where she stood watching him. It seemed that in the large purse she brought with her was a lacey see-through ensemble. She looked even hotter now then she did at the club.

Taking the drink from his hand she pushed him down on the bed. He would let her take over just as she did last time. Since he was always so numb sex didn't really hold much enjoyment. Now it was something that helped him forget, it made him forget about his sadness. It let him forget about the pain in his heart. As she kissed his neck he was able to fall into a dream state, something that only seemed to happen when he was with her. He didn't feel her at first, she was someone else, someone he loved, someone he had enjoyed having sex with. Maybe that's why he accepted this, when he was with the others he never felt this; he only had sex with them to try to get his mind on something else. With her he felt sensation, his dreams, his memories took over. He pulled her closer to him, allowing his body and instincts to take over.

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Yea didn't know where I was going with this at all but chapter 3 will be better… I love Kyouya like this, such a bad boy. *starts to day dream*…..*drool*….sorry about that but come on is it not hot or what? Well expect that he misses someone dearly but everything else is perfect. I'm going to stop before I really stop making sense, please review.

~Femalefighter~


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Disclaimer-**I own nothing!

**Author's Note-** Please be advised that this story has drug and alcohol use, swearing, and sex…yea so don't be stupid and read this if you are under age. Thanks :) Sorry this took so long to update I am going to try and update more often.

Kyouya woke up to see Cayla pressed up against him. As he got up the memory of last night resurfaced. That's right he went to a strip club and ran into her then they left and came here. As he watched her sleep he started to feel bad. He knew he was only using her for sex and as a tool to block out the pain. He couldn't figure out why he cared so much, he used a lot of women recently so why did he feel bad about this one? Maybe because he remembered her name? Well whatever the reason it didn't matter, he would continue to use her so long as he felt _his _presence whenever they were together.

After he got out of the shower Cayla was up and surfing the channels on TV. She was back to wearing the lacy-see through she had on last night.  
"Kyouya I think your phone has a message, it's been going off since I woke up."  
He could tell she was eyeing him, his hair was still wet and dripping, not to even mention the fact that all he had on was a towel that was just barely tied at his waist. As he sat on the bed to listen to the message she came up behind him wrapping her arms around his chest.  
_"Kyouya, its Fuyumi. I don't know what's gotten into you but I thought you should know that father is coming home at noon today instead of tomorrow. If you don't want him to learn of your hobbies you should get home before he does. I'm worried about you Kyouya, please call me."  
_"God damn it!" He pushed Cayla's hands away and moved off of the bed. If he left now he could make it home before his father did. He felt hung over and the last thing he needed was to get kicked out of his house.  
"Kyouya what's wrong?"  
"We have to leave, now!"  
"But what's wrong?"  
"Now! If you're not ready in five I'll leave you here!"  
"Okay fine!"  
She got off the bed grabbing her bag with her clothes to change. Kyouya searched the room for his. Cayla was dressed before he was, when he was ready he grabbed her hand and ran out of the room to the front desk to check out.  
"Enjoy your stay?"  
"Yes ma'am thank you." Cayla answered back as Kyouya shot her a death stare. What could have put him in such a foul mood?  
"There you go sir, you're all checked out."  
"Let's go." Again he pulled Cayla's arm so they could leave the building.

"Where do you live?"  
"Not until you tell me what is going on!"  
"If you must know my father is getting back from his trip today and I need to get back home before everything is ruined. He is a powerful man, you should make sure not to remember me."  
"Drop me off at the bar on main. I can walk to my apartment."  
As soon as he hit the main road he pushed gas for the car to take off. The dashboard clock read eleven fifteen; it would take him about five minutes to get to the bar and twenty minutes to get home. That was if he drove fast enough and didn't hit traffic or get pulled over. He could only hope his father wouldn't get home first. As they pulled up on the bar Cayla got ready to jump out as soon as the car stopped.  
"Call me whenever you get the chance okay Kyouya."  
When she jumped out Kyouya noticed a piece of paper on the seat. U-turning in the street he stuck it in his pocket. He figured it was her number, he would have to call her sometime last night was good. If he said fun he would be lying but it was good. When he was with her he felt _his _presence, he felt no pain.

Kyouya parked the car in the garage and ran to his room to change. His clothes smelled of smoke, sweat and sex. He knew he looked like a mess with them on as well; he just had to find something that was new. If he smoked in it he couldn't wear it, his father would smell it as soon as they were in the same room together. Once dressed he sat at his desk and opened the novel he had to read for school last year, he wasn't really reading he just needed something to make it seem that he had been home.  
"Excuse me sir, the master is home." A maid knocked and opened the door as per his father instructions otherwise she never would have entered without Kyouya's permission. She saw him sitting at his desk reading, he didn't look as though he just came in though she thought she heard him just pull into the garage not all that long ago. He looked up to smile as best he could at her; he had gotten better at it at least. He learned that to get past the maids easier he needed to act as his old self though at times it felt almost impossible. Now was one of those moments.  
"Thank you. Does he wish to see me?"  
"Yes sir he does. He says to go to his office right away."  
"I'll go now then." He closed the book and stood up to follow her.

Taking a deep breath he opened the door and walked in. This was the first time he had seen his father since before the funeral. That was already two months ago if he remembered correctly.  
"Kyouya, sit we need to talk."  
"Yes sir." He sat across from him at his desk. He already knew this wasn't good.  
"Kyouya I have been informed of all of the rumors surrounding you. Are you trying to lose your name? Is your goal to ruin your future if so then leave now and never step foot into this house again. Never again are you to call yourself my son!"  
"Sir the rumors are all lies. I have spent my days with Miss Fujioka as you requested of me since I am no longer traveling and my nights have been spent studying for school."  
"Can you prove this to me? Son or not you know I need proof to prove your statements."  
"Shall I contact the girl?"  
"No, I'll do it myself. You can go now Kyouya."  
"Yes sir." He got up and left, as soon as he was out of the hallway he started trying to come up with a way to contact Haruhi before his father did. He didn't think she would go against his lie but then again he had been ignoring her calls.  
"Shit!" He needed a cigarette but with his father home smoking just became impossible.

Back in his room he tried to come up with something, some way to call Haruhi. He knew his father would be checking the houseline. He was probably checking his cell phone call list as well online. He was doing this on purpose; he wanted him to watch him sweat. He knew he was lying, it was only a matter of time before he was caught.  
"I'm so fucked!" Sitting against the back one of the couches he tried to relax, he knew this day was coming. He knew he was going to get caught he only thought he would be dead by the time this happened.  
"Tamaki help me. It's all your fault that I'm like this right now so you fix it!"  
Look at him he was blaming someone who was dead. Who had it easy now since he no longer walked the earth.  
"Tamaki this is all your fault, you had to leave me forever. You had leave me after you told me you loved me if you loved me then why did you fucking leave me?"  
_*What am I doing?*  
_Grabbing his knees he cried on his legs. How could he blame Tamaki for his own blindness? Tamaki always trusted him and he let him down. His mistake cost Tamaki his life.

He opened his eyes with someone telling him dinner was ready. His muscles were sore and his face was tight from crying. He knew he had to get up and eat with his father but he couldn't. Nothing wanted to move, nothing wanted to do what he wanted. His body just wanted to cry and feel nothing just as it was used to.  
"Sir, please go to your father, let him help you."  
One of the maids had walked in to see if he was okay. She helped him to his feet.  
"Are you the one to tell my father of what I have been doing? Is that why you want me to ask him for help?"  
"Sir I told the master nothing. I believe it was your brothers that may have. I just think that your father may not be so hard on you if he knows."  
"Knows what exactly? That I slept with someone, someone who I was supposed to be using as a business tool? That this person that I slept with was another male no less! He will not care why I am in pain. I have failed to do exactly as he instructed, I went against his wishes. I fell in love with someone I could never have, someone I should have never wanted!"  
"Sir…"  
"Just leave! I'll be down in a minute."  
"Yes sir."  
He needed to get a grip; he couldn't blow up in front of his father.

Somehow he managed to say nothing even though he was going through nicotine withdrawal. After dinner he walked outside to sit on the porch. For some reason he had the urge to watch the stars. Looking up he couldn't stop his mind from bringing up a memory. A memory of the last night Tamaki was alive.  
_*I wish I could become a star, so that I could look down on all those I love. Help light their way through dark times.*  
_"…Tamaki…." He looked up at where he thought Tamaki had pointed to when they were together._  
*That's where I want to be, where there is no star, right there in the middle.*  
_He didn't see a star there, the spot was still dark. He should have known, people don't become stars, who was he kidding?  
"Sorry I guess another dream of yours didn't come true." He really needed a cigarette right now. Why couldn't his father go to bed for the night.

Kyouya woke up to stare at the ceiling. It felt strange to be home for once. Rolling over to his side he stared at the other couch now in front of him. He was used to sleeping on the couch the few times he was home for the night. He couldn't touch the bed; he couldn't go near it without crying. No one was allowed near it and he knew no one that worked for his father would disobey him.  
"Sir, are you up? You have a visitor sir."  
Who the hell could that be? It wouldn't be that girl would it? No, not unless his father learned of her would Cayla be here. She didn't even know his address; no it must be someone else. Perhaps Haruhi? That would be a miracle if she showed up before his father contacted her.  
"Sir, are you awake?"  
"Yes, send them in?"  
He looked down at himself, he was in the pants he changed into when he got home yesterday but he was shirtless now. Oh well, it wouldn't be the first time Haruhi saw him shirtless, but just in case it wasn't her he got up and walked to his dresser for something.  
"So we've been together every day. Funny last I heard you refused to speak to me."  
_"Shit my father did contact her."  
_"Then I guess you told my father we haven't been?"  
"No I didn't I don't want to see you get in more trouble than your already in. I figured you lied when I noticed he was watching my face when he asked what we have been doing every day. I told him we had been together and that you were helping me with my summer school work. He asked if I knew of the rumors surrounding you and I told him I did but I don't know where they came from. At least that wasn't a lie."  
Kyouya didn't know what to say, she just saved him. After he completely ignored her for weeks she saved him. Why would she do that for him?  
"Look I don't mind helping you but I think you owe me some answers.  
"You wouldn't understand."  
"I know what it feels like to lose someone you care for."  
"This isn't the same as losing a parent!"  
"How is it not? We both lost someone we cared for!"  
"Your mother knew you loved her! I never got the chance to tell Tamaki! I never got to tell him that I love him!"  
"Kyouya…" Haruhi's voice dropped. She didn't know how close he was with Tamaki, well not to the point of love anyway. But, this helped; it answered the question of why he couldn't move on or try to. He was regretting not getting the chance to say what he needed to.  
"You don't understand at all Haruhi so don't even try to. Just get out and leave me alone."  
"Kyouya let me help you."  
"Help me? How exactly do you plan to help? Can you erase the fact that Tamaki told me he loved me but I never got the chance to tell him? Can you erase the fact that he spent his last night with me? Can you erase the fact that we had sex right here and I never got to tell him how I truly felt about him? Can you erase that fact that he died in my arms that night and I didn't even know it until the morning when I tried to wake him? No I don't think you can! I don't know if he was in pain, or if he tried to wake me up! He died in my arms but he died alone all because I was asleep. I didn't help him at all!" He could feel the tears pouring down his face. The memory of that night hurt him just as badly as the day he found Tamaki.  
"Just go away Haruhi." He needed to be alone, why couldn't she understand that?  
"Kyouya you need to understand something. Tamaki knew he was dying."  
"You're lying! He would have told me!"  
"His father told me. He didn't want us to know and to worry about him. Kyouya, he didn't wake you because you wouldn't have been able to save him, he didn't want to hurt you by having you watch him die in front of your eyes!"  
"You're lying!"  
"No I'm not. Kyouya, Tamaki would be heartbroken to see you like this. He would hate to know all that you have been doing."  
"How do you know what he would be like? God Haruhi why can't you get through that thick head of yours that you have no idea what you're talking about!"  
"Kyouya why won't you listen to me?"  
"I'm not going to stand here and listen to your lies. I know Tamaki would have told me that he was sick, that he was dying! I know that he was fine when he arrived here. I know that I couldn't go to his house because it was under construction. He told me that was why he wanted to go to Europe this summer, so he wouldn't be home while it was being worked on."  
"And when did he tell you this because I went to his house Kyouya. There was nothing going on."  
"Just get out! I'm tired of your lies!"  
"Kyouya listen to me please!"  
"Get the fuck out of my face!"  
"Not until you listen to me!"  
"Get Out!" He couldn't take it anymore; he wasn't sure what was true and what wasn't. Tamaki had never lied to him before so why would he start when the topic was something so serious, something that shouldn't have been hidden? It didn't add up, nothing was making any sense to him.  
_*Tamaki talk to me.*  
_"Kyouya?"  
"I thought I told you to get out?" Blinded by his anger and confusion over what was the truth he allowed his emotions to take over. Haruhi screamed in fear as she dodged the book he threw at her.  
"Kyouya stop! This isn't like you!"  
"Get the fuck out!"  
Carefully she backed up towards the door, making sure she kept her eyes on him.

Once she was out of the room he fell to his knees. His fists were beaten into the carpet until he heard something snap.  
"Fuck!" As much as it hurt it felt so good. It was the only thing that he understood as the truth. He didn't want to believe Haruhi's words yet he felt a deep nagging in his core that said she may be right. But why, why would Tamaki lie? He needed to know to the truth. He couldn't sit here anymore and not know.

"Ma'am, are you alright?" Haruhi looked up to see one of the maids coming towards her.  
"I heard yelling from the young master and someone scream from down the hall. He didn't hurt you did he?"  
"No, I'm okay. Just please show me where the door is so I can go home."  
"Of course I'll have the driver take you home. If you'd just follow me."  
Haruhi took one last look behind her at the door to Kyouya's room. She did all she could for him. She told him the truth, now it was up to him. If he didn't listen and continued the path of destruction he was on then this was good-bye. Next time she wouldn't save him. She wasn't some girl that he met on the street and she wouldn't be treated like one.  
_*Tamaki, only you can save him now. I tried but my heart isn't yours and it cannot fix him.*_

Kyouya wrapped his hand, it didn't feel broken. Not that it mattered really, he wouldn't get it looked at. Not right now anyway he had something he had to do first. He needed to know the truth, he didn't care if his father found out why he was lying to him. He needed to know, nothing was going to stop him from learning the truth. No one was in the hall, good he wouldn't have to deal with them. He wasn't even sure if Haruhi was gone yet or not, not that he cared. One day she would learn to listen to him.

For a moment he debated which car to take. His father was home now but he may be tracking the other vehicles. Oh well let him know that he was going to Yuzuru's. He grabbed the keys to his brothers' car; since it was made from the same company he guessed it handled the same as he fathers. Before the garage door was up fully he sped out and down the driveway. Making sure the gates were already open before he reached them he didn't worry about slowing down as he left his house and hit the road.

Kyouya didn't slow down until he reached the house. He didn't even put the car in park as he stopped at the gate. He didn't have to; he could see the house perfectly from where he was. Throwing the car in reverse be backed onto the road and sped away. Tears stung his eyes forcing him to pull over. Tamaki lied; the house looked exactly the same as it always had.  
*_Why Tamaki?*_Crying into the steering wheel he couldn't fight back the memory of their over the phone conversation. He_ had _been crying when he called to change their plans. How could he have been fooled so easily by Tamaki's lie?_ *I have failed you Tamaki, I'm so sorry.*  
_As he dried his eyes he pulled back on to the street to go back to Tamaki's house. He still didn't believe that Tamaki would lie to him about being sick. This just wasn't like him.

Standing in front of the door he tried to get his hand to stop shaking. Did he really want to do this? Could he handle the truth? What was he thinking, he already knew the truth. He was only here to confirm that Haruhi was lying. Right, he would confirm her lies and then leave. Placing his finger on the doorbell he dropped it and turned around to head back to his car before he pushed it.  
"Kyouya, that is that you? Please don't leave." Kyouya stopped to turn around and see Yuzuru standing in the doorway. "Please come in, it's been so long."  
Kyouya tightened his good hand into a fist, he could do this. He only wanted to confirm that Haruhi was lying. Keeping his head down he walked in to follow Yuzuru into the living room.  
"Can I have someone get you something Kyouya?"  
"No thank you sir. I'm okay."  
"If you change your mind. So what can I do for you? I can tell you came here for a specific reason so I won't stop you."  
"I want the truth. We both know Tamaki died while he was with me. I deserve to hear how he died exactly."  
"Your right, you do. I am sorry for not telling you this all before Kyouya. My son, he had been diagnosed with a heart condition. He wasn't born with it but right before he started high school he had gotten sick and the doctors came across it. He didn't want anyone besides myself to know if it. His goal was to live his life as he always had and to not worry his new friends. The doctors told him not to do anything that could stimulate his heart. No running or sports in general. Nothing that could strain his heart. I know he didn't follow this rule all that well but he told me he wasn't going to miss out on what life he had left. The trip he planned to take was allowed by the doctors though he knew his time was shortening. They told him he had no more than six months left and that was plenty of time for him to visit Europe with you. The day you graduated he had a doctor's appointment. It was the last one before his trip, to make sure he had enough of his medications so nothing would happen. That day he learned that he wouldn't make it to the end of the month, his condition worsened much more then they originally thought it would. Kyouya I hate to tell you this but I believe my son wanted you to be the last person he saw that is why he stayed with you. See he could always tell when his heart was getting worse, he could feel it and then the doctors would confirm it. Though the doctors told him he had more time I believe he knew that his days were numbered by hours not days. I am sorry that he put you through of all this I truly am. When the doctors told him, he was heartbroken, we both were. He was looking forward to this summer. The doctors wanted him to stay home and stay in bed. I was foolish; I had gone out the night he went to you on business. I didn't know that then and I tried to reach him when he left, I was so worried that something happened to him and that was why he wasn't answering. I now know that he went to you and I am glad he did. I know that you took care of him to the best of your knowledge and that he hadn't run off somewhere and died alone. Kyouya? Are you alright my boy?"  
Kyouya tried and failed to fight back the tears. The realization of what they did together hit him hard than ever before. _*Oh God, I killed him.*_

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Again sorry this took forever to update. And it's a cliffhanger. Sort of. Anyway I love this story and I feel bad for Kyouya but it's different so it's great. Please Review.  
~Femalefighter~


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing!

"The day you graduated he learned he wouldn't make it to the end of the month. I didn't know he had gone to your place until the morning he passed away since he wouldn't answer his phone. I knew he was upset because he rarely kept his phone off. But, I am glad he was with you because I know that you took care of him to the best of your knowledge. I know he was okay. Kyouya? Are you okay my boy?"  
*_Oh God. I killed him. I am the reason he died.*_ Kyouya couldn't hold back the tears that fell from his eyes. The memory of what they did together, Tamaki jumping to hug him when he told him that it was okay that he loved him. Them making out, the sex, the sex again, the park. All the signs that something was wrong, the coughing fit, the sadness he felt when they kissed the morning he died. His excuse for falling at the park. He let Tamaki kill himself, he allowed Tamaki to be reckless. The pain stabbed him in so many places, he felt as if he was going to be sick.

Running out of the room he headed into the first bathroom he found. Though he hadn't eaten since the small dinner last night his body still found something to bring up. He killed Tamaki, there was no way around it, he killed him. Why wasn't he locked up for murder yet it was clear that he should be. The pain that racked his body wouldn't disappear. No matter how many times he tried to get sick and did, nothing stopped the pain. _*What have I done?* _  
"Kyouya are you alright, do you need a doctor?" He could hear Yuzuru outside of the door worried for how quickly he became ill. Washing his face the best he could he tried to wash away his sins. Though no matter what he did he saw them, he was covered in them. He couldn't stay locked in here forever though so with a deep breath he walked out to face Yuzuru.

"Are you alright Kyouya? I can call a doctor for you if you need one."  
"No sir I'll be fine. Sir I…"  
*_I killed your son.*  
_"Kyouya? Do you need something?"_  
_"I…"_  
*I killed your son. Say it, he needs to know.*  
_"I think I should go."  
"Are you well enough to drive home? I can always have someone take you home and bring your car home."  
"I'll be okay but thank you sir."_  
*If you're not going to tell him then leave you cowardly piece of shit.*  
_"Please stop by more often. I hope you know you can talk to me Kyouya, I'm the only one that knows I presume. I know how grateful Tamaki was for your friendship and how hard all that I told you must be on you."  
_*If you can't tell him the truth then leave. You don't deserve his pity.*  
_"Have a good day sir."

Halfway home he was forced to pull over. God he hurt so much even his eyes hurt as the tears fell yet again. Some friend, who let's their best friend die. Not only his friend but someone he loved, the first person he ever had real feelings for. Opening the glove box he realized the pack of cigarettes he kept weren't here. They were in his father's car, just fantastic. Could today get any worse because right now he was on a roll so far? Pulling back onto the road he decided to stop somewhere before he got home to buy a pack. He needed something, alcohol would have been better but he couldn't hide a bottle in his pocket. He should buy mints to, and a few air fresheners to hide the fact that he was smoking. Did he have enough cash on him, or did he even have his credit card?  
"Mints, air freshener, cigarettes, should I try for something or no? No I don't want to push my luck. Look at me talking to myself I must be losing my mind. But it helps; my eyes aren't stinging as much. Still I shouldn't make a habit out of this." Pulling into the first store he found he ran in to grab what he needed. That first drag felt so good, oh how he missed this. Never again would he go this long without one.

Crashing back on the couch he didn't plan to move. Haruhi had been right all along. He didn't know Tamaki at all, though that seemed just like him to lie in order to protect everyone he cared for. But still, there was the undeniable fact that his actions strained Tamaki's heart in turn killing him. He should have told Yuzuru the truth. He deserved to know what happened to kill his son, his only son. And what about his mother, did she know that her son was dead? She was weak and became sick easily, what if the news killed her or hospitalized her?  
*_Oh Tamaki what have I done to your family. I'm so sorry.* _How could he fix this, was this even fixable?_  
*Tamaki send me a thought or a sign. Something to guide me.* _With that thought he fell asleep for the night. His dreams were filled with memories of Tamaki. His smiles, his laughter, how he knew how he was going to die yet that didn't stop him.

Kyouya woke up as he hit the floor. Thinking about his dream he realized how much he was screwing up. Tamaki knew he was dying yet he made the most of his time yet Kyouya was giving it all up. Tamaki would be ashamed if he saw what he did. Could this be the sign he asked Tamaki for? He knew what he needed to do now though. Hopefully it wasn't too late to repair everything. The sooner he started the better. Before walking into the bathroom to shower he stopped and stared at the photo of Tamaki he had in his dresser.  
"I'm going to try Tamaki, for you, for us."

Haruhi sat at the table lost in her tea cup. What Kyouya told her rang in her ears. She never would have imagined that they were together. She didn't see Kyouya as someone to get so intimate but there was a lot she didn't know about him it seemed. Snapping out of her daydream she stood up to answer the door. That was probably Mei; Ranka was worried to leave her alone all the time so he called Mei to have to keep her company most days. It wasn't like she didn't want Mei's company it's just that she wanted to be alone and think. She couldn't get Kyouya out of her mind, the torment in his eyes. He was in pain every day, holding it all in, that was why he got so angry and cried. It was the only way his body released his pain.  
"Hey…Kyouya?" He was the last person she expected to see standing outside her door.  
"Haruhi, may I come in? I need to talk to you." She just stepped aside for him to enter.  
"I didn't expect to see you Kyouya. Yesterday, I…well I thought that was good-bye for us."  
"Tamaki wouldn't like it if his family fell apart."  
"Kyouya?" She just watched him go into the other room and sat down. Before she followed him she made him a cup of tea since she had water from before, it should still be hot. While she got it ready she tried to figure out why he would come here. Did he finally believe her?  
"Here, I hope it warm enough for you."  
"Thank you…Haruhi I'm sorry."  
She froze as she sat down, was Kyouya, the shadow king, really apologizing to her?  
"You were right, about everything. I hope I didn't hurt you in my anger yesterday."  
"No, I dodged fast enough. What do you want Kyouya?" She could hear the harsh tone her voice carried with him. But, she wasn't going to lower her guards, she didn't trust him.  
"Tamaki, I dreamt about him. It's the first time since he passed away that I dreamt about him. I saw how he loved his life, how he loved all of us, his family. Haruhi I can't let go though. My heart still clings to the truth, the truth that I killed him. I saw Yuzuru, we spoke and he told me everything. I want to tell him that I'm the reason Tamaki's dead but I couldn't, the words just wouldn't leave my mouth. Haruhi I'm in so much pain yet I can't let go. When I look at my hands I can still feel Tamaki's lifeless body being held in them. I know that I messed up but are you willing to help me?"  
Haruhi saw him staring at his hands that were now shaking. When she looked at his face she again saw all his pain through his eyes as tears came out of them. How could she not help him? Getting up she walked around to be next to him. With her arms wrapped around she pulled him close and let him cry on her.  
"Cry all you need to, it can only help you. I won't leave your side Kyouya you have my word.

Kyouya walked out of Haruhi's bathroom to see her standing just outside of the door. He was grateful she was going to help him; she was the only person he felt he could go to. He would have to repay her for all of her kindness one day.  
"Are you sure this is a good idea Haruhi?"  
"I am, you need to talk to him and let him tell you that everything will be okay. If we leave now we should be able to catch the bus."  
"That's not necessary I have my car with me."  
"Oh…okay." She didn't know he owned a car or had his license, stupid rich people. Making sure she had her house key she followed him outside to see the car parked right outside of her apartment. Oh yea it was definitely his.  
"It's my brothers I never bought one; I never thought I would need one." He opened the door for her to get in. She was taken off guard by his new attitude, it scared her. She was frightened that this wouldn't last long.  
_*Mother, please watch over us.*_  
"Haruhi do you know how to get there from here exactly. I'm not sure of the location."

They drove in silence. Kyouya was focused on not breaking down while he drove. Haruhi was watching him to see if his attitude went back to how it was yesterday. Kyouya reached into the center console for his cigarettes he felt that they were the only way he could get through this.  
"You know smoking isn't going to help you."  
"It will do fine for me." With it between his teeth he hoped to drop the conversation so he could focus on the road and lighter. She watched him pray for a red light so he could stop and lit it. Rolling her eyes she leaned across to pull it from his mouth. Pulling out the car lighter she placed it between her teeth and lit it for him, then shoved it back in his mouth.  
"That is the only time I will do that for you got that? I think they are vile, and disgusting not to mention that they smell horrible. I don't see why you don't smell yourself, you reek of smoke. You could probably get the same affect by inhaling your clothing."  
"Thank you Haruhi, for everything." She stopped to look at him again, he was really surprising her today. As he flicked the ashes in the tray he could tell how much his smoking bothered her yet she was willing to let him smoke. He might have put it out and forget about it but he needed his nerves to settle down so he could do what he had to.  
"Turn right, up here." He followed her directions and stopped a little further down the road.  
"Come on Kyouya let's go do this." Carefully she touched his hand to give him support. His hands clutched the steering wheel.  
"Your right. "

He stared at the stone reading the name that seemed to pop out. This was the first time he came here since the funeral. He didn't think he would ever come here; Tamaki wouldn't want to see him. Even before the random sex with random women and alcohol. Tamaki probably hated him for letting him die sooner then he thought he was going to.  
"Tamaki, you probably don't want to see me so I'll make this fast. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for not really being there when you needed me. I'm sorry that we did what we did; I had you go completely against your doctor's orders." As he knelt there and stared he wasn't sure why he came. He couldn't actually be seeking forgiveness could he? He knew Tamaki couldn't say the words 'its okay I forgive you' so why ask him to."  
_*You lied.*_  
"What? Tamaki?"  
_*You lied to me. You told me that you wouldn't forget that I loved you. You broke your promise.*  
_"No, I didn't. That night plays perfectly in my mind. I wouldn't break my promise to you, not ever."  
_*Then what are you doing? This isn't like you at all. Why are you blaming yourself for my death? How could you use all those innocent women? And Haruhi's right you reek of smoke. If you die I'll never forgive you, you got that! Stop this, stop tormenting yourself because that isn't what I wanted.*_  
"But Tamaki how can I not? You left me all alone, you told me you loved me but you left me. I killed you. I allowed us to be reckless, to do things that shortened your life. The nights we shared together in the end killed you."  
_*Shut up! You didn't kill me. I don't blame you for what I did. I wanted to experience everything I knew I would never get the chance to if I waited. I knew I was dying, I knew I would die faster by my actions but I still wanted to experience it. I wanted to experience it with you, the first and only person I loved. I'm sorry I put you through what I did. It was wrong of me to do so. But, I didn't want to be alone; I wanted to be held by the person I cared the most for. I person I would spend forever with if I had the chance.*  
_"You left before I got the chance to tell you how I felt."  
_* I was hoping this would be easier for you if you never did. I was hoping you could let go and move on if those words never left your mouth.*  
_"I hate myself for never telling you that I love you."  
_* I knew you loved me, I could feel it when we kissed, when you held me. Every moment we spent together I knew you loved me; I didn't need to hear it. But, if you loved me how could you sleep with people you didn't know? How could you do what you did if you love me? What we did was only allowed because we loved each other. You broke your promise to me.*  
_"I only did that to forget, it was my only way."  
_*So you did break your promise to me.*_  
"No, I didn't, I messed up by my actions. I hated myself and I involved others in my pain. I didn't mean to upset you."  
_*Then promise me you'll stop. Promise me again that you won't forget that I love you. Promise me you'll live your life in a way I would approve of. Promise me you'll apologize to all those women and to Haruhi for treating her like crap.* _He could hear a tone change or what he thought was a tone change from Tamaki. Was he really talking to him_?* Oh and Kyouya, promise me you'll live your life the right way. Live for both of us. We'll be together one day but that day isn't today. This is the only other chance you'll get from me so don't screw it up.*  
_"I promise Tamaki. I'll do everything you want me to. I won't let you down again,"  
_*So you really promise?*  
_"I do Tamaki."  
_*Oh Kyouya I need one more thing from you. Take care of our family. Haruhi really cares for you and I'm not saying you have to love her because I want you to I'm saying that you need to stop tearing our family apart. They lost their father don't make them lose their mother too.*  
_"I'll take care of them. I'll hold the family together."  
_*Thank you Kyouya.*_  
"Tamaki before you go I need to tell you something."  
_*What's that?*_  
"I love you Tamaki. I'll never forget you. I'll never forget the time we spent together, your smile, your voice, your laughter. Our memories, I'll cherish them always. You changed me Tamaki. You were my first true friend, and the first person I loved. I'll never forget all you did for me. I love you."  
_*I love you too. Take care, I'll watch over everyone, especially you so I can be sure you don't screw up again.*_

Kyouya felt a hand on his shoulder, turning he saw Yuzuru behind him.  
"Kyouya, I hope you know I never blamed you. I know you loved my son in every way imaginable. He couldn't have found anyone better to give his heart too. I'm glad you made him smile his last days. The smile on his face was from you Kyouya, it always was." He helped Kyouya to his feet. "If you have time I would like you to come to my house. I need to give you something."  
"Sir, thank you." He was overjoyed to hear Yuzuru say that he forgave him. "I always have time to visit. Haruhi is with me though." He turned to have her walk closer; she stepped away before to give him space though she heard every word. Yuzuru did as well, she called him and told him her plan, she hoped this way he could get the forgiveness from the two people he needed it from.  
"Perfect." He placed a rose on the stone. "Roses were always his favorite. Tamaki said they were the best representation of life. Beautiful but full of thorns to hurt you. Well, whenever you both are ready."  
Kyouya grabbed Haruhi's hand as they followed Yuzuru's back to their cars. He stopped for a moment to look back at Tamaki's name.  
_*Thank you Tamaki. Thank you for everything. I love you.*_

They arrived to see the twins, Mori and Mitsukuni already there. Both wondered why they were all called together. This was the first time he saw any of them since the funeral, well besides Haruhi though he couldn't really say that he saw her since all he did was yell at her. They all talked for a few minutes to find out why Yuzuru called them here. They lowered their voices as they followed him upstairs to Tamaki's room. No one said a word as they entered; it felt strange to be here without Tamaki with them. None of them had ever been in his room before.  
"I started going through some of Tamaki's things. I know I'm asking a lot of all of you but you were his family too. I figured you would like to help. He was right, they did. Sure it was hard to be going through their friends things but that's why they were together.

Kyouya walked over to Tamaki's dresser, he saw it covered in pictures. From them all at school, their vacations and parties, he even had a few of just the two of them when he first arrived to Japan and dragged him all over the country. Looking down he saw a backpack, he remembered Tamaki saying their plane tickets were in a backpack in his room but he couldn't have been serious could he? Carefully he opened the bag; he was hoping he wouldn't cry if there was something inside. He saw a note with his name on it stapled to a folder. Quickly he ripped it off to read it.  
_Kyouya,_

_If you're reading this then you already know that I'm dead and you probably know from what. Knowing you it's been months since my funeral. I'm guessing between two and three months since then. Anyway, I want you to know why I wrote this. In the folder are the plane tickets I told you about only there is a slight change. There is one for everyone and a passport for Haruhi. Enjoy this summer or now what's left of it. Have fun; create memories for the both of us. I love you._

~Tamaki~

Kyouya opened the folder to see the plane tickets and passport sitting where Tamaki left them. They didn't have a fly date just an airport in England. Getting every ones attention he showed them what he found and read the note.  
"Let's go tomorrow. None of us have any real plans so we should all go home and pack." Kaoru looked at everyone's faces to see if they agreed with his idea. They all gave the nod of approval. They had no reason not to go or wait since everything was already planned. As Kyouya went through the folder he saw a list of all the things they could do once they got to Europe. After they talked about who was picking them all up and what time they excused themselves from Yuzuru's house. He wished them all a great time and not to hesitate to call if something came up.  
"Well my boy it looks like your plan worked after all. Enjoy Europe." He smiled at the picture he had in the living room once they all left. Tamaki told him about the backpack when he told him he didn't think he would have six months left. He was going to tell Kyouya sooner but he never saw him and when he did he was a mess and it didn't seem right to bring it up.

Kyouya dropped Haruhi at her house and drove home to tell his father he would be gone for the rest of the summer. Sure the idea of going without Tamaki hurt but it would be okay. Tamaki would be forever held in his heart. He would be with him as he traveled with their family. Finishing the bulk of his packing he stepped outside to enjoy the summer air. All of his cigarettes were thrown away though he would need something to help him with the cravings of nicotine. Quitting cold turkey seemed impossible since he smoked so heavily. He planned to call Cayla and apologize for being a dick to her. She was the only one he had a number from and the only name he remembered. It was a start though and was better than nothing. He was surprised to hear her say that it was okay and she knew all along that something was bothering him.  
"I may be a person that dances for money but I am still human. I still see the pain that people hold in their eyes. I hope you can be happy Kyouya Ootori, I understand that now our association is over."  
"Actually Cayla, I want to help you when I get back. You helped me and this is the least I can do."

They talked for a while until she had to go. As he stared up in the sky his eyes couldn't stop from moving to the spot Tamaki pointed out. There was a star there, right there in the middle of a dark patch. He couldn't help but smile as a few tears fell from his eyes.  
"Looks like you got your wish after all, huh Tamaki. Thank you for everything. I don't plan on breaking my promise a second time. I love you."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Not last chapter I don't see this story going on much longer. Maybe a chapter or two, when I started it I had no clue where I was going with it so I figured it would be short. Please review.

~Femalefighter~ 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing!

Never again was Kyouya Ootori going to fly with his friends. Not even five minutes into the flight and the twins were getting on his nerves. Thankfully Haruhi was trying to help him keep his cool. Together they figured out what to do once they landed. Since they had less time than they would have liked they were planning ahead. Not really a true experience but it would do. They decided to fly out of London to Moscow and start there. From Moscow they would travel to Athens, Berlin, Rome, Paris, London and Madrid. They hadn't planned an exact route after Athens but they knew their last stop would be Paris. They all decided that when asked about an order.

"Haruhi is rooming with me because I don't trust anyone other than Mori with her and he is rooming with Hunny-senpai." After finally getting landing in Moscow they found a place to stay at for the night and were complaining about who Haruhi was to stay with for the duration of their trip.  
"But Kyouya-senpai, Kaoru and I will most likely share a bed so Haruhi can sleep in the extra."  
"Forget it, now come on let's find a place to eat I'm starving."  
"I wanna try their cake!" Hunny was perched on top of Mori as they decided to find a place in the city to eat. Where they were staying was mobbed so getting rooms and getting out was best.

As everyone was joking around Kyouya zoned out, the sun was setting and Moscow had a beautiful look to as the day come close and the night was just started.  
*_I hope you can see this Tamaki. I know you would be smiling.*_  
"Kyouya? Are you still with us?" He snapped out of his trance to hear Haruhi's voice. He noticed everyone was staring at him waiting for an answer to Haruhi's question.  
"I'm fine, this view is gorgeous and I seemed to get lost in it." They could all tell that he had Tamaki on his mind, they all did. Being here reminded them that he wasn't, that he never be.  
"Hey Kyouya I was wondering something. Do you think that once we get back to Japan we could all get together once a month? Plan one day every month that we have to keep free so we can see the lord as a family, I bet he would like that." Everyone's eyes moved to Hikaru, who stared at his glass of whatever he was drinking.  
"I think that this way, no matter where life takes us we can still be together because let's face it. None of us besides Hunny-senpai and Mori-senpai would be together right now if it hadn't been for Tamaki." He was right, none of them had been friends until Tamaki decided to form the Host Club. They owed him everything and this was the least they could do for him  
"Yes Hikaru I believe that is very possible. Do we all agree to pick a day and meet every month on that day?"  
"Yes!" Everyone answered at the same time. They knew that this way no matter what and where they where life took them they would still make time for each other and for the person that brought this unlikely group of friends together.  
"I propose the eighth of every month."  
"Why the eighth Haruhi?" Kaoru asked in pure curiosity.  
"I agree with Haruhi." Kyouya knew exactly why she picked it.  
"Haru-chan that's a perfect day right Takashi?"  
"Yea."  
"But I still don't get it, why the eighth, I mean I'm not against it but why is it so perfect?"  
Hikaru leaned over to whisper in his brother's ear why they liked it. Kaoru blushed completely embarrassed by not seeing it sooner. That was something Hikaru did not him.

They all turned in once they got back for the night. They wanted to get up as early as possible to see as much as they could.  
"I hope every view is this nice." Kyouya looked behind him to see Haruhi stand next to him by the window.  
"I believe it will."  
"Senpai, I…I can only imagine how hard being here and doing this must be for you. I hope you know that I'm here for you if you need to talk. I know that so much has happened in such a short amount of time and well I'm glad you came."  
He uncrossed his arms, touching Haruhi's shoulder to pull her close to him.  
"Thank you Haruhi, for being there even when I was a monster."  
Neither spoke as they stayed close for a little while. When Kyouya pulled away to try and fall asleep Haruhi stayed where she was blushing. She hoped it was dark enough so Kyouya wouldn't see the red in her cheeks. It was just a friendly hug so why was she blushing? Before Kyouya noticed that she was staring into space she quickly went to her bed and hid her face under the covers.

Somehow Kyouya woke up earlier than normal and in a decent mood. Trying to see as much as they could in the little time they had they took the Moscow River tour. From the riverboat they got to see the Krelim, Gorky Park and other landmarks. It was nice to spend a few hours out on the water taking in the sights. Before they had to head to Athens they stopped at the Bolshi Theater. Everyone was taken aback by the architecture and blown away by the performance. They didn't speak much Russian but they still couldn't get over everything they saw here.

There next stop was Athens. Standing in the busy city they quickly became overwhelmed. Where should they start? There was so much history and they wanted to see it all.  
"Let's get a place first and then we can list all we want to see here." The others agreed and started to look for rooms.

They stood at the Poseidon temple to stare at the size of it. Though it was from the prehistoric period the pillars stood tall as if to show their history.  
"Just imagine standing here back then, what they must have felt to be in it is incredible." Haruhi gapped staring up at one of the pillars seeing how strong it still was.  
"Haruhi if this impresses you then the temple of Zeus will take your breath away." Kyouya came up to next to her admiring the contents of the structure as well. Soon the others were beside them.  
"Is it as tall?"  
"Taller, but come and see for yourself." Moving away from it he led the way to the Temple of Olympian Zeus.

"Oh my God this is astounding." Even before they were close Haruhi was taken aback by the size and design of the remaining temple.  
"There used to be a hundred and four columns but now only fifteen remain."  
"Do you know why Hikaru?" She looked at him to see if he had an answer, he just shrugged his shoulders and looked at Kyouya.  
"I remember learning about the temple in school but I don't know if it said why."  
"Someone in the city may know but we can only speculate as to why. Even still just what is here you still get a sense of how big this once was."  
"Makes you feel really small doesn't it Haru-chan?"  
"Your right about that Hunny-senpai."

By the end of the first day they also had gone to the Panathenaic Stadium and Kerameikos. Heading back to the rooms they showered to hit the town for its nightlife. There seemed to be talk about the "Le Bar Bodega" so they started there. The following day they headed out to see the Philopappos and multiple museums. As they headed to Plympieian Kyouya felt himself staring at Haruhi. It was as if he would wander and watch as she walked or talked to the others.

"So Berlin tomorrow correct?" Haruhi sat on the bed to give Kyouya some space.  
"That was the group decision." He stood up to walk outside. He couldn't handle not having a cigarette anymore.  
"I thought you quit?" Haruhi followed him outside not really knowing why he left in the first place.  
"Sorry, I can't _just_ quit. You didn't have to follow me." Still after a quick puff he put it out.  
"You're right, sorry." As she turned to head back inside he went to reach for her to stop and follow her to the room.

The first thing they did in Berlin was head to the Zoologischer Garten. Something about it was hard to ignore.  
"Hey look its mi'lord!" Kyouya was the first to get and laugh at Hikaru's statement. Soon the others joined in. He was pointing to a donkey surrounded by horses; all of them could almost see Tamaki sulking in the corner. When they realized that was just their imagination they stopped, feeling the familiar pang of loss. Mitsukuni was the first to come back and get them to continue on. Deciding to get a place later they stopped at the Gedenkstätte Plötzensee to pay their respects. A part of them felt strange but at the same time it felt right. To lighten the mood after they went to the top of Funkturm, Berlin's Eiffel Tower. Haruhi was scared to at first but with Kyouya's help she joined them. The others noticed how close those two were getting. It was too early to decide it they had actual feelings for the other but it was obvious they were getting closer. They watched from behind them as they walked Gendarmenmarkt. This really was the most beautiful square.

The second day they were stuck inside from the heavy rain. None of them felt like walking in it and used the day to mess around with each other.  
"So Kyouya I see you flirting with Haruhi."  
"Oh you see that? Well your sight needs to be looked at." Kyouya placed his drink down to see Hikaru staring at Haruhi who was talking to the other three.  
"So I can try?"  
"Try all you like." In the corner of his eye he looked at Haruhi. What was Hikaru thinking?

He didn't believe he was falling for Haruhi but he couldn't stop thinking about it. As they arrived in Rome he tried to forget Hikaru's words. Had he really been flirting? No, she wouldn't want him, not after all those other women. Not after all the pain he caused.  
"Kyouya-senpai, are you alright? You seem to be walking slowly."  
He looked up from the ground and thoughts to see Haruhi staring at him. The others were watching him as well.  
"Of course I'm fine. Come let's start walking again." He moved past them to lead the way. They all stared before following him to the Pantheon.

"Hey Senpai the others don't feel like going to the Catacombs of St. Callittus will you join me? Unless you're hungry as well then never mind."  
"No, that's fine. The Catacombs sound interesting."  
He had no real interest in them but time alone with Haruhi would be good. Maybe now he could figure it out. Could he really be falling for Haruhi Fujioka? After they started heading back to the hotel he decided he needed more time.  
"Haruhi want to grab a bite to eat?"  
"What, sure."

Looking for a place Kyouya stayed relatively quiet. Maybe the lack of nicotine was getting to him; they were just friends weren't they? There was no way she felt something for him. Why were his thoughts always drawn to her? It was too soon to really date someone else, especially when his heart still hurt at times and certain things reminded him of Tamaki.  
"Do you mind if I smoke?"  
"I'd rather you not but if you have to." He pulled out the pack he bought he Berlin and lit one up. "I've noticed you don't smoke as often but as we get closer to the last country you became easily distracted. Kyouya, senpai, please know that I'm here for you should you want to talk."  
"I'm fine. But, thank you all the same."  
"Rome is beautiful, I don't think we've been to a country that hasn't been."  
"Europe is beautiful as a whole and full of history. This was the reason Tamaki wanted to travel across it."  
"I still can't believe he isn't here. Sorry." Quickly realizing what she was doing she stopped to hopefully change subjects.  
"Don't worry about it Haruhi. We both know he is still here. That idiot couldn't get his presence to disappear even if he wanted it too."  
"You have a point." She couldn't help but laugh even if the thought saddened her; she didn't realize that even though Kyouya said it he hurt from it.

As they headed to London Haruhi noticed Kyouya was talking to her more. It was from staying so close to him when she noticed she was falling for him. She didn't want to, not now when his heart still ached. She wasn't even certain if he would ever love her, he did love to remind her that she was a commoner. Still she found it hard to stay away. Even before Tamaki's death she noticed she may have been developing feelings for him. But then again she had been thinking about Tamaki a lot back then and now her thoughts were always on Kyouya. What was she doing? He may never like her. He had been with Tamaki before, maybe he was gay? No, something told her that he wasn't, bi probably, gay no.  
"Haruhi what are you staring at?" Quickly she came back to reality to see Kyouya staring at her. Had she been staring at him this whole time?  
"Nothing, sorry."  
"Well try to stay with us so you don't get separated."  
"Right, okay."  
Everyone was watching as Kyouya got Haruhi's attention. Something was definitely up with those two. Kaoru took hold of Hikaru's hand.  
"I warned you."  
"Just forget Kaoru, come on."

Madrid came and went too fast for Kyouya. Haruhi had been right; he was easily distracted as Paris got closer. Not thinking as he arrived he lit up in front of the others. Until recently they never knew, he made sure all the clothes he brought were new and didn't reek.  
"When did you pick up that bad habit Kyou-chan?" He just looked at Mitsukuni as he realized what he did. "What you do is your business Kyou-chan but please try to quit, okay? We don't want to see you get sick from it." He just nodded at Mitsukuni who didn't even sound upset. His cute voice echoed in his mind as he took one last drag and put it out. Damn, that was one more he wasted.  
"Come on we should find a place to stay."  
Haruhi stepped forward to give Kyouya space. Whether the others realized it or not, being here was hard for him. He needed time to himself.

"Feeling up to going to the Eiffel Tower with us?" Kyouya turned to see Haruhi coming outside to join him on the balcony the room had. She noticed he was just finishing another cigarette, this _was_ really hard for him.  
"I have nothing better to do." They had plenty of time in France; it had been worked so they could be here for a full week. This week would be hard but the last day would be the hardest he could already tell.

"Woah, you can see most of the city from here." Everyone said about the same thing, the view was unbelievable. It brought tears to Kyouya as he watched the sun set on the city.  
*_Tamaki, how many times did this sight bring you to tears?*  
*Almost always* _He looked behind him to see no one but a few other tourists. The voice sounded so real though, he must be losing his mind from the cigarettes he had today. Staying at the top of the tower they watched fireworks someone was setting off in the distance. Haruhi touched Kyouya's arm as they watched, not caring if other's saw or not he smiled at the gesture.

Kyouya started to notice his hands were shaking as they walked the street before their final destination. The week in Paris had gone well, being with his friends he had enjoyed their stay. Stopping at a shop they bought a dozen roses before taking a car knowing it was too far to walk.  
"It feels strange to be doing this."  
"Strange but right."  
"Agreed Kaoru." The others agree with the twins statement, this did feel strange. As the car pulled up Kyouya took a deep breath before exiting the car.  
"Come on, we can't turn back now."

They stood outside the door waiting for someone to answer. When they did Kyouya heard a few of them catch their breath.  
"Bonjour, vous devez être amis mon fils. S'il vous plait entrer dans la maison et faire des t-même."  
As they thanked her and walked in Hikaru leaned closer to talk to Kyouya.  
"I thought she didn't know we were coming?"  
"You'll see how she knew who we were soon enough." Hikaru moved back to wait and see like Kyouya said. Maybe he was missing something?

"Madame, these are for you. For allowing us to visit without calling." Kyouya handed the roses to her as she walked past them to see if they needed something.  
"They are beautiful. Thank you." She left them for a moment to place them in water.  
"Is this how she knows us?" Haruhi looked at the mantle to see pictures of Tamaki scattered across. Many were of all of them at the club.  
"Yuzuru kept her updated; she is his mother after all." Kyouya walked next to her to see the pictures, soon the others joined them. One caught his eye; he forgot Tamaki had taken this. It was just the two of them, it was taken at a park two weeks before Tamaki's death.  
"My son loved all of you; even after they told him he was dying he was determined to stay strong for all of you."  
They turned to see Annie-Sophie in the doorway watching them with a smile on her face.  
"I may not have talked to my son directly since he moved but the stories his father told me and the pictures I was sent were enough. I knew he was happy and loved." They all sat around her and listened. They had come here to pay their respects and that was exactly what they did.

It had been great for all of them to exchange memories with her and to hear about his childhood. This was something they hadn't done, before it hurt too much. As they got ready to leave for the night Annie-Sophie pulled Kyouya aside.  
"I want you to have something." She handed him the picture he had looked at earlier.  
"I know my son cared deeply for you. Had he not lost his life I'm certain he would have ended up being with you. His father told me that he died in your arms. I know that must be hard on you but I am grateful he died with someone he loved. It means that his whole life he had been smiling and that helps me feel better about letting him go to Japan. He met someone like you to welcome him and let him do things he refused to do here. He made friends and laughed with you. You have my many thanks, Kyouya Ootori." With that she smiled and hugged him before letting him catch up with the others.

Getting back to the hotel Kyouya stared at the picture he was given. Haruhi walked in to stand in by the door unsure if she should leave or stay.  
"If I had known that two weeks after this picture I would lose him I don't think I would have let him go." Haruhi walked over to sit next to him on the bed.  
"But you didn't know and that's why you did, he wanted you too."  
He looked over to see Haruhi so close. He could feel her warmth even before she touched his slightly shaking hand. What was this feeling? Could he really have fallen for her.  
"Haruhi, did you know that you are beautiful?" She just stopped and pulled her and back, what was he getting at? Was she over thinking the statement?

"Haruhi would you like to go out with me once we are back in Japan?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, I never meant for this to take so long. Chapter 6 is the last chapter and hopefully won't take months since I've had it planned since before I started five. Please review and leave your thoughts.  
~Femalefighter~ 


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Disclaimer-** I own nothing!

_Dear Tamaki,_

_After coming back from Europe Haruhi came over a few times. She has been helping me, more than I thought she could. She is the reason I am writing to you. It's supposed to help, I'm skeptical but I'll try it. I miss you; she knows that, even after I asked her to go out with me. She knows I'm not ready but she is willing to work with me to get me to that point. Right now though I don't know if that day will come, everything seems to bring my thoughts to you. Who knows how this will work out, maybe I won't move on and maybe I will. I'll just have to try I guess._

_ Dear Tamaki,_

_ Haruhi helped me do something I hadn't done for months, sleep on my bed. She was able to get me to sit and then lay on it again. She had come over and learned that I haven't touched it, that no one was allowed to touch it. I know I yelled at her at first but she bared it to get me to this point. I forgot how soft my bed was. I slept fairly well that night. While I was kept up from staring at your spot I was able to shut my eyes and sleep better than I had been on my couch. It took hours but it felt okay. I was able to let her fix the sheets and sit on the bed with me. I didn't want to touch it for fear of letting you go. I don't want to lose your voice and smile. I'm scared our memories will fade and I will forget everything about you. I don't want to question anything about you, about how you acted or what you looked like when something happens. Even so I feel as if I am moving on, I am moving on but I am scared to._

_ Dear Tamaki,_

_ This is the first month we are going to see you, all of us. That's when you'll get these letters. Right now they are tied together, I think there are close to thirty here so that should keep you busy for an hour or so. I've decided that when I go see you with the others is I when will give you these. I know I see you from time to time but I don't want to give them to you then for some reason, a reason I am still trying to figure out. Writing may help but I want you to read them. After we visit you I'm taking Haruhi out for dinner. To thank her for being there for me even after I treated her like shit at times. I don't know if anything will become of this but if it should, know that your daughter will be taken care of. Well I'll talk to you soon. I'll never hear the end of it if I'm late._

_Dear Tamaki,_

_ Dinner went well; Haruhi seemed to have a good time. I start school tomorrow, my father is upset with me for never taking summer classes as he instructed but Europe was better. Thank you for that trip Tamaki. I don't believe I thanked you before. It was hard knowing that physically you weren't with us but we all know that you were there. It was nice to see your mother again, I am glad to hear that she is doing well. I need to call it a night, my father made me take a seven thirty class so I could take more in a day. This is going to be interesting._

_Dear Tamaki, _

_ I miss you I really need you today. I can't take my father anymore. Always comparing me to my brothers, dangling what I won't have in my face. I wish I could hide at your place, or that we could talk face to face, you're the only one I could talk to you about this. You would understand. Fate is still cruel for never giving us the chance to be together. I know, you're probably complaining about my attitude but deal with it. I think I'll go see you today, yes that sounds good. See you soon._

_ Dear Tamaki,_

_ I asked Haruhi to be my girlfriend. I think that is the only way to truly move on from you. Maybe it won't be what I need to do but I still felt the need to try. Don't worry I have no intention of using her like I used to use the other girls. If this doesn't work I will let her go and accept that fact that I may never let go. Was this you're doing? Are you trying to get us together? Well it's working. Actually that wouldn't surprise me. Your spirit is as big of a pain in the ass as your physical being was. Why did I have to meet you and your personality? I bet you are sulking since I am being mean to you but tough shit. Mommy is putting her foot down on daddy because we all know that the mother runs the household that way. By speaking the truth and not sugar coating any of it, you can stop sulking now I'm done and was only kidding. Oh before I forget, she agreed to be with me. According to the twins she has had a crush on me for a while now, and you. Why and how she could fall for you is beyond me but that's Haruhi I guess._

Kyouya folded up his letters and stuck them in his coat pockets to meet the others. It sounded sick to think that they were happy to go to the cemetery every month. Maybe it was but this was how they became whole again. Their family wasn't broken since Tamaki got to be with them. Haruhi smiled as he met up with them. Seeing her smile he felt a warm feeling in his chest. Pulling the letters from his pockets he laid them on the stone for Tamaki. They all sat down to start talking. Haruhi made lunch for them again creating a sense of feeling of home amongst them.

_Dear Tamaki,_

_ I think I'm starting to fall in love with Haruhi. She is always on my mind. My father has told me he wants me to one day marry her. While I won't agree for his sake I can see myself asking for her hand. Do you think that is the right choice? Am I just not thinking clearly? On a lighter note I am sticking to my promise. While I can only make it up to one person I plan to do what I can. I am helping a girl go back to school and quit dancing in ways I know you wouldn't approve of. She told me the only reason she was working there for the money to pay for school because she couldn't ask her parents for the money. It isn't much but I don't know how to make it up to her. I am also moving her out her current apartment to something far from there in hopes that she can get a fresh start. She plans to become a doctor so who knows, maybe we will work together._

_Dear Tamaki,_

_ I have officially quit smoking. It was hard to do but so far it's been almost a month since I smoked. While I was trying to quit I chewed gum though, a lot of gum actually. The twins loved to bust me about it but of course it didn't get to me. Hikaru's black eye came from him moving away from a table and my fist just happened to be right there. I am still trying so stop drinking. Though it was never really my problem I decided to try. It's hard to believe you've been gone for six months already. It sure doesn't feel like it. Haruhi keeps calling me to go over there so I better get going. She is throwing an informal party for Christmas. Could be fun I guess_.

_Dear Tamaki,_

_ Happy New Year! Tomorrow we are all heading to the shrines, it was Haruhi's idea. She has been thinking about you recently. While the words were never spoken directly I know she has. Everyone has you on their mind, that's probably why we agreed to go do this. I feel good and knowing we can still talk like this makes me feel as if things will be okay. The hole in my heart doesn't ache as much as it once did, though I can still feel it. Maybe it will never go away._

"Hi Kyouya, Haruhi." Kaoru yelled as the two walked over. "It's about time, mi' lord was getting impatient." At his words the wind around them picked up.  
"Oh senpai relax we got stuck in traffic. But I still was able to give you something. I made it for you, hope you like it."  
Haruhi knelt down to unwrap a birthday cake. In the middle was red gel reading 'Happy Birthday Tamaki' surrounded by red roses. Kyouya had her write on the side right under his name, 'idiot'. Around the rest of the cake was 'Love and their names'.  
"Wow Haruhi, that looks really good."  
"The writing took forever."  
With the others sitting down around her the party got underway. Kyouya laid his letters down just as he did every month. Hikaru was going to ask what he always gave him but something told him it was personal. No one but Haruhi knew that they had been together on Tamaki's final days. Kyouya stopped trying to hide it but the others never asked. Hikaru was too obvious to realize it and he figured Mori and Mitsukuni already knew though they didn't say anything. Kaoru knew, he figured it out in Europe. When they were back in Japan he went over to talk to Kyouya. That conversation had been nice and he learned that Kaoru was very different from his brother, more mature.

_Dear Tamaki,_

_ I am sorry. I started smoking again. Not as heavy but your anniversary is this week and I couldn't help it. Haruhi is pissed at me but she understands which helps. I bought things to make gin and tonic but I only used it once. God why won't this pain in my heart go away?_

_Sorry Tamaki I'll finish this later._  
The sentence above smudged as water from his eyes hit it.

_Dear Tamaki,_

_ I just want to die. I couldn't close my eyes last night. I've been dreading this day all week if not forever. For a year I've been without you, a full year. This morning my heart was ripped open and again and I just wanted to drown myself in its sorrow. I still do. God I hate knowing you're really gone. Knowing you died in my arms and I couldn't stop it. How could I not see past the lies? How could I not tell you were getting sick, that you were dying? You may have told me that you have forgiven me for how I felt but I can't forgive myself. I can't just look past all of my faults knowing you're not here from them. The pain in my heart is worse now than before. I don't know how much more I can take of this._

Haruhi was sitting at home with her father. They had plans to go see Tamaki today she tried to call Kyouya but he wasn't picking up. She had this feeling that today was hurting him in so many ways. All week he seemed to be having problems. She could tell his old wounds were reopening, he shouldn't be alone. He didn't have to be. Heading out the door her cell phone went off, it was Kyouya. She was caught off guard when the voice wasn't his and didn't sound like Fuyumi.  
"Hello? Is this Haruhi?"  
"Yes, who is this?" She couldn't keep the disgusted sound from voice.  
"I am an old acquaintance of Kyouya. This might sound a little strange but Kyouya showed up here. He was drunk and passed out on my couch. I don't know who you are really I just called the first number in his recent calls list. Can you come and get him or should I call someone else?"  
"I can probably get him but it may take me a while. What is your address?" After writing it down she called Yuzuru to see if he could lend her his driver for Kyouya.  
"I feel bad about asking you sir."  
"Nonsense it's fine, someone will be there shortly"  
"Why didn't you just call Kyouya's father Haruhi?" Ranka looked over her shoulder as she hung up the phone.  
"Because if his dad found out Kyouya would face his horrible wrath. He is jeopardizing his entire fortune right now dad. I can't let him get caught and ruin his life. I need to help him. Can you stay here and make a space for him?"  
"Sure dear if that's what you want to do."

Haruhi ran the doorbell to the room on the seventh floor apartment. A thin blonde opened the door. Haruhi couldn't deny that she was stunning.  
"You must be Haruhi, I am Cayla. Please come in, Kyouya is right in here."  
The place was bright and spacious. She could see his feet over the arm of the couch passed out.  
"Do you know why he came here?"  
"My guess is for sex. But, I know he loves you and the desire was just because of the alcohol. He always talks about you when we talk. The only reason he is here is because a year ago he would use me for just that. I was his ticket to forgetting about his pain, he is the reason I am living here right now. It's all because he is trying to make it up to me; he said he promised someone he would. Please don't think I am trying to take him from you or that I was trying to tell you that I wanted him."  
"It was nice to know he didn't get what he wanted from coming here."  
"He told me, about what happened to your friend. I'm sorry."  
"I don't get it; he seemed to be moving on from it. I know he was hurting from the anniversary but he never contacted me. I should have been there for him."  
"Don't take it personally Haruhi I know he was. He probably didn't want to involve you in, maybe he thought you wouldn't understand."  
"But I would have and he knows that. Today is our friends' anniversary and I could tell he was in pain. How did I not see him slipping?" She walked over to see his face pink from drinking too much. He was still sleeping soundly on the couch.  
"I guess I should move him."  
"Here let me give you a hand." Cayla walked over to her and lifted him her arms. Haruhi was surprised to see how strong she was. Her muscles must have been hidden in the long sleeve she was wearing.

Haruhi sat next to Kyouya in the room he was sleeping in.  
"Haruhi? Uh why is it so bright?" His eyes opened to wince as the light hit them. "Ugh my head." Holding his head he sat up.  
"It's called being hung over and that's what you get for trying to drink your problems away."  
"Not so loud."  
Slowly the memories of what he did earlier came back. If he had gone to Cayla's so then how did he get to Haruhi's?"  
"Cayla called me, you passed out there right after she told you she wasn't going to have sex with you."  
"Oh."  
"Kyouya, look, I know today is a bad day for you but know I'm here. I've always been here for you."  
"Sorry."

_Dear Tamaki,_

_ I screwed up by hurting Haruhi the other day. I can't believe I messed up as badly as I did. I thought I was stronger than this. I need to make it up to her. She was nice enough to let me stay at her place until I felt better. My father never found out thanks to her. Maybe I can salvage the relationship since I know she is pissed at me._

_Dear Tamaki, _

_ I know I haven't written to you in a while. Things have gotten hectic. My father has needed me at the office for the past two weeks, surprisingly it was for things my brothers usually do. Haruhi isn't mad at me anymore, apparently she wasn't really pissed at me she was mad at herself for not forcing herself to be there when I was having problems._

_ Dear Tamaki,_

_ I surpassed my brothers! I just got out of school and he wanted me to take a spot he was offering Akito. I'm taking Haruhi out to celebrate so I'll talk to you later._

The gang met up for the day on the date they reserved. Kyouya noticed how his letter stack had gotten thinner these past months. He knew he was writing close to once a week now and he decided not to write Tamaki about what he would see anyway.  
"So are the rumors true Haruhi, did Kyouya really propose to you?" Hikaru and Kaoru walked around her eyeing her, waiting for her to crack.  
"Fine you can see it, god you guys are horrible." She stuck her hand out for them to see it. Kyouya, being exactly who he was got a ring that shinned from any light and could be seen on her finger without being right on top of her.  
"I was looking into something last night, did you know that we have been coming here for four years now."  
"Four years, already? Has it really been that long?" Haruhi was surprised by that, she knew it had been years but not four. Time was flying past them.

_Dear Tamaki,_

_ My wedding is tomorrow. A year and a half of planning. Well Haruhi's planning; I just nodded with her choices, all for tomorrow. You would have liked to be involved I'm sure. I tried to but it's not my thing at all. I just need her and I'm happy. I'm a little worried about it. Marriage is a big thing, one I didn't believe I would do a few years ago. I can handle it though, I love Haruhi and I want us to be side by side for the rest of our lives._

_ Dear Tamaki,_

_ I'm going to be a father. Haruhi just told me and I had to tell you. I'm excited but scared. I don't know if I'm ready to be a father. My goal is to be nothing like my father, if I can do that then hopefully I will be great. _

_ Dear Tamaki, _

_Aside from Haruhi's mood swings which are worse than yours ever were and almost scary food cravings everything is great. We have a nursery all arranged and earlier I felt the baby move, my child. We don't know the gender; she doesn't want to know so we decided to wait. _

"Haruhi-chan are you sure it's okay to be here? I'm sure Tama-chan would understand."  
"Its fine, the doctor says I still have three weeks left, sadly."  
"You sure Haruhi, you look about ready to…"  
"Don't say it ass." Haruhi shot Hikaru the death stare before Kyouya helped her sit in the chair they brought. He had to agree with Hunny it didn't seem like the best idea but Haruhi insisted.

_Dear Tamaki,_

_ I'm a father! Nina Ootori was born at four thirty this morning at seven pounds six ounces. She is beautiful in every way. She has Haruhi's eyes and lips and my hair and nose. This feeling is unreal Tamaki. I can't even explain it. You know it's something when I'm at a loss. Tamaki, thank you for being there for me all of these years. I love you Tamaki, your still in my heart, the pain has been gone for years though. It was filled with our memories. I think this may be the last time I write. I have a feeling I won't have much time to. I want to always be there for Nina. While this may be the last letter you'll receive from me I know we'll still talk and see each other. Thank you Tamaki for helping me heal and move on. Thank you for listening all these years. I'll always love you, see you one day I'm sure. Hopefully that won't be for a long time but we still see each other. Good-bye. I love you._

_Kyouya_

0o0o0o0o  
The last chapter! Sorry this took forever to finish please forgive me. Hope you liked this chapter. Please review.  
~Femalefighter~


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